Last week, me and the Women Who Run With the Moose, Celeste, Rita, Betty, Dot and Shirley, got together for our girls night. Betty was hosting. She was serving those little miniature cherry cheesecakes. You make ‘em in a muffin tin with a vanilla wafer on bottom. You ever had them? They’re wicked good! Dottie had just been in for a physical. “The whole “lube, oil, and filter,” as Shirley calls it. “God, don’t they ask you a lot of questions.” Dot says. “How much caffeine am I drinking? What am I doing to de-stress? How am I sleeping? How much do I poop and when?” “Did they ask how often you and Tommy do …

For years Charlie has teased me about how often I go to the bathroom. But nature (and age) have finally caught up with him. Charlie has come to realize what the Women Who Run With the Moose have known all along: if you got a chance to go, go! You never know when the next bathroom opportunity will present itself. Our motto is: Carpe pee-um! Here’s his latest. Sir Leak-alot You need things like beer And coffee to live But liquid goes through me As if I’m a sieve Of course that is why, Wherever I am, I’m always the guy Looking out for the can Restrooms, yup, they’re What I seek alot That’s why …

Ran into Pearl Plaisted at the A&P end of last week. She was doing a little pre-holiday shopping. “Hi there, Pearl,” I says, as I’m ringing her out. “I see you’re gonna to be making some pies for Thanksgiving.” “Yup! Desserts are my department. My daughter Sally cooks the main meal. Oh, and I’m responsible for the homemade cranberry sauce.” “Yum! I bet that’s good. Where’s your side kick?” I ask, referring to her husband. “Haven’t you heard? Hank’s in the hospital.” “He is?” “Pneumonia.” “No! How long’s he been in?” “Since last Wednesday.” “That’s terrible!” “Well, he’d been feeling punky for a couple of weeks. Then, he’s in the bedroom, taking a nap, when …

Lately, Charlie’s been driving me crazy with all his aches and pains. Actually, it’s not the aches and pains, because I get it, we’re old. It’s the fact that he won’t do anything about ’em. And when I gently suggest he maybe take a Tylanol and call the doctor to see what’s what, we end up with a shoot the messenger situation. I’m worried about him and want to strangle him, all at the same time. I’ll let him complain to you for a change. Write What You Know I’ve heard ’em say, “Write what you know” OK, I’ll give it a go: My ingrown toenail, let’s start there A daily source of my despair …

I was at my doctor’s office, talking to her about some digestive problems I’ve been having lately, and she says to me, “You know, Ida, the older you get, the more your body becomes like a nun’s.” That caught me off guard at first, but I pondered it and she kind of has a point. After a certain age, there’s just a lot less margin for error. Gotta somehow keep yourself pure. But tell me, where’s the fun in that? It seems like this happens overnight. But if you stop and think about it, you realize that’s not really true. Our bodies have been trying to get our attention, but we haven’t been taking the …

Saturday morning, Charlie and me are having breakfast, per usual. We touch base about our plans for the weekend (a baked bean supper that night) and what chores we have on our lists for the day. After, Charlie does the dishes, per usual, and I start in on my weekly house cleaning. Then, off he goes to the dump. I come into the kitchen to get something, and find all the breakfast dishes still sitting there in a sink full of water. I’ll let Charlie take it from here. Water on the Brain Morning dishes, that’s the chore I do before I leave the door The breakfast bowls and silverware Whatever else we got in …

To retire or not to retire? That is the question, right? Whether it’s better to keep toughing it out or toss in the towel, and see what’s next. Seems like that topic always comes up at get togethers with friends. Or when Charlie and me are having breakfast, or on a road trip. Or in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping, I’m pondering to pros and cons. At parties, we used to talk about work, vacations, what our friend’s kids were up to. Now we kick off with an organ recital. How’d that hip replacement go? Your back still bugging you? How about the colonoscopy prep? We segue from that into …

A few nights ago, Charlie got up to go to the bathroom, per usual. I heard him make a little sound. My eyes spring open in time to see Charlie (or the outline of him ’cause it was dark) wobble and down he went, flat on his face. It scared the bejesus outta me. I spring up. Charlie was moaning. Took both of us to get him vertical, and it weren’t pretty. He had to hold onto the bed for support. “Charlie, you need to sit for a bit before you stand up.” “Ida, I know I’m supposed to do that, but my bladder has other ideas.” I’ll let him tell you about it.  Low …

Santa brought Charlie some new underwear, and we’re having some technical issues. I’ll let Charlie tell you about it. Newfangled Shorts 4-Pack of shorts, That’s what I got, ‘Cause all of my old ones Are totally shot Elastic is gone They’re worn to the core But at least I can locate What I’m looking for You see, I got me A problem of sorts What is the deal with These newfangled shorts? Yeah, they fit, But when I gotta pee I cannot get to my gadget! They’ve re-engineered The flap, I’m guessin’ It used to work fine Why are they messin’? Don’t matter if I’m In the woods or in town There I am, anxiously …

Charlie and me are pretty much over our Happy New Year colds. Well, me mostly. Charlie still has that pesky cough. It’s the kind of thing that really revs up at night, just when you’re trying to sleep. But we’re both happy to be on the other side of it, starting to have our usual energy back. Remember when a cold lasted about three days, five max? I do. And then you’d snap out of it? Now we’re talking ten days to two weeks. What happened? Have the bugs gotten nastier or is it because we’re old? On top of recovering from this bug, I had myself what I can only call an “old snap” …