Charlie went Home Depot last week, and wrote a poem about it.  Cute Cashier Cute cashier in the check-out line Perky as heck at the start of her shift Perky’s contagious, you catch my drift? A good day, I’d say she’s begun it If she’d asked me to stand on my head, I’d have done it Or tried, anyway It wouldn’t be pretty I might have more luck If I sung her a ditty But people behind me Don’t need a song They need me to pay her And just move along Cute cashier in the check-out line Perky and cute, that’s a real gift Gives an ol’ bugger like this one a lift A …

Maine has been slowly opening back up, with some folks cautiously returning to work and doing the “physically distancing socializing” routine. That’s a mouthful, for sure, so we just say “Maine Rules” for short. For example, “Party on my deck, Maine Rules.” That means we’ll be staying six feet apart which is easy for a Mainer. “BYOS” meaning bring your own stuff. We’ll provide the PP and SW (paper products and sanitizer wipes). See? Much simpler. Then there are some idiots who insist on partying like it’s 2019. The “19’ers,” me and my friends call ‘em. “19” referring not to the year or the virus, but to their approximate IQ. I’d like to say what …

Most of us are doing are best right now. Sure, there are those yahoos at Cumbies that don’t wear a mask even though there are signs everywhere saying you have to. These are the same folks who think “14 Items or Less” is there to make the express lane faster for them and their 24 items of more. But for the most part, people seem to be hanging in there, trying to go by the rules. But sometimes, you forget. Like yesterday on my walk ‘round the neighborhood with Scamp, I saw my elderly neighbor, Paul, sitting on his front porch. He’d been failing over the winter with pneumonia and a fall and I hadn’t …

Have you tried Zoom yet? Everyone’s doing it. Why not you? Zoom makes sheltering in place a little more fun. (And no, I haven’t been paid by Zoom to promote the thing. It’s just that when I find something I like, I want to share it with my friends.) My niece Caitlin introduced me to Zoom and talked me through it the first time. Over the phone, of course, because we are under “stay at home” orders, here in Maine. Of course, I’m still seeing plenty of folks and their stress-related eating habits up close and personal, what with my job cashiering down to the A&P. Heck, I don’t blame ‘em. Some customers are telling …

You may be “sheltering in place,” as they say, but as a cashier down to the A&P, I’m on the front lines of this thing. Global pandemic! Go figure! Folks have totally lost their minds, buying three, four, five hundred dollars worth of unrelated stuff! It’s like that old game show Supermarket Sweep; they’re just throwing things into their carts. The biggies, of course, are toilet paper, milk, and chicken. Why? If you’re going to be stuck inside, wouldn’t you want a nice cut of meat to look forward to? And think of it: you have all this time to slow roast. It’s perfect! The toilet paper baffles me, though. It just don’t make no …

Seems like I’ve been wicked busy, but it’s that summer sort of busy. You know, the kind of busy where it feels like you’re on the go all the time, but don’t have much to show for it? Anyways, it’s been “hotter than Hades” here in Mahoosuc Mills. I’ve heard that more times than I can count while cashiering down to the A&P. This is from the same folks (no need to name names) who complain about the snow, the mud, the black flies, and the tourists, depending on the season. Complaining is what seems to keep these folks going, so this summer’s heat and humidity has been a whining bonanza. Now, these are the …

We’re closing in on the first of the year, and none too soon, huh? Boy, working down to the A&P, I’ve seen some mighty stressed out people, let me tell you! No need to name names. You know who you are. And if you’re not one of ‘em, you’ve seen ‘em, too, I’m sure. Men on a mission, running in to get that one last thing their wife forgot. With the eye of the tiger and no time for hellos, they dash into the produce section or down an aisle only to appear at the express lane five or ten or sometimes fifteen minutes later, deer in the headlights, sweat on their upper lip. You …

So, I’m working checkout at the A&P, right? When I hear this conversation out of the corner of my ear: two women, voices lowered, talking fast in a urgent sort way. I mean, who wouldn’t listen in? “He wakes me up every morning at 5:00.” “Every morning?” “Like clockwork. I don’t mind it so much on week days. I have to be up for work, anyways. But, it’s the weekends, too.” “You think he’d let you sleep in at least one morning.” “Nope. He just won’t give it a rest. At first I thought it was kind of cute, you know? But frankly, it’s wearing me down!” “I don’t blame you. Not every morning.” Well, …

Last Tuesday, Archie Johnson come into the A&P, per usual. He’s what we affectionately refer to in Mahoosuc Mills as a “mangy, old fart.” Lives in a rundown trailer on the edge of town: tires piled in the yard, blue tarps, broken cars on cinder blocks, you name it. I know, sounds like a cliché. But cliché’s come from somewhere. Archie is living proof. Archie generally keeps himself to himself. “Lives off the land,” would be a nice way to put it. Comes into town once a week for “supplies.” Though his looks and odor can be a little off putting (Archie would never get a gold star for personal hygiene), he’s harmless enough. So …

Saw Franny Ward at the A&P the other day. Franny’s having the time of her life down to Mahoosuc Green, our senior living facility in town. She must have been squeezing in a little grocery shopping between all them classes in flower arranging and exotic pole dancing. Franny is in her early eighties and is always dressed to the nines. This particular day she was sporting a fushia t-shirt with “Born to Sparkle” written in big, sparkly letters across the front. Wow! As if this wasn’t enough, the rest of the shirt had sparkles all over it, too, front and back. Just then, one of our new summer cashiers, Destiny, sidles up to me and …