Saw Franny Ward at the A&P the other day. Franny’s having the time of her life down to Mahoosuc Green, our senior living facility in town. She must have been squeezing in a little grocery shopping between all them classes in flower arranging and exotic pole dancing. Franny is in her early eighties and is always dressed to the nines. This particular day she was sporting a fushia t-shirt with “Born to Sparkle” written in big, sparkly letters across the front. Wow! As if this wasn’t enough, the rest of the shirt had sparkles all over it, too, front and back. Just then, one of our new summer cashiers, Destiny, sidles up to me and …

Another summer holiday is here, and you know what that means, don’t you? Men down to Mikey’s Meat Market buying meat. I was in there on Saturday getting some pork chops for supper, and it was a friggin’ mad house. Now, you don’t get this for your winter holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, even Easter, I go into the meat market and it’s mostly exhausted women trying to do higher math. You know, if we’ve got 14 people coming for dinner, how big’s the turkey got to be? Or if the rump roast weighs such and such, how long should I cook it and at what temperature? Man, they don’t ask questions like that on the SAT’s! …

Today is our anniversary, and my sweetheart wrote me a love poem. It’s based on a something that actually happened a few years ago. Seriously, this is a true story  The Tale of the Missing Wedding Ring  Leave it to Ida to not miss a thing “Charlie,” she asked, “where is your ring?” Indeed it was missing, I didn’t know Where it had gone, or how long ago My ring had decided, for reasons unknown Perhaps it was time to go off on its own  That ring, I think, had a valid excuse ‘Cause man, it had suffered years of abuse In the woods, in my shop, doin’ chores in the yard With gloves on …

Charlie and me went to a dance down to the VFW this weekend, a benefit for the Moose Megantic High School Band Boosters. The theme was “Rockin’ to the Oldies.” I says to Charlie, “We’re oldies. Let’s go!” We had a fun time, too, once it got going. But that took awhile, because someone hired professional dancers to kick off the evening with dance lessons. Charlie and me didn’t have much interest in that. It’s not like we think we’re perfect dancers or something. Far from it. But like a lot of couples, we have our own style. We don’t give a hoot about doing it “the right way.” Anyways, after teaching us how to …

After I finished my radiation for breast cancer and started getting my energy back, I realized something. I had never asked anyone where the boob shop is. See, because of where my cancer was located, I had what I’d call a “partial mastectomy.” My medical chart says “lumpectomy,” but honey, they lopped off the top third of my breast. In other words, instead a gentle mountain peak, I’m left with more of a mesa situation. What would you call it? It isn’t really that big a deal. I’ve been stuffing a little sock into my padded bra to balance things out and make my cleavage not look wonky. But the sock was too lumpy for …

Charlie and me went shopping for a new gas grill at Home Depot this weekend. The old one was plumb worn out, so it was time. I was on board with it. But let me tell you, I was not on board for two hours of comparison shopping, debating the merits of this one or that one, different “features” and questions, questions, questions, like it’s some kind of fancy sports car or something. Honest to God. And of course, there’s a whole bunch of other guys there doing the same thing. See grilling, for the most part, is a man’s territory. Don’t get me wrong, I use the gas grill. But when I do, it’s …

Bud’s the first of our little group to retire. Worked for Gagne’s & Sons Heating and Cooling for what? Thirty plus years, I guess. That’s dirty work, repairing furnaces and the like. Plus, you get called out at all hours, day and night. Weekends, too, don’t matter the weather. And unless you’re doing an annual cleaning, the people you’re dealing with are usually real upset. I mean, it’s ten degrees out, and no heat. They’re all bundled up, seeing their breath inside the house, and Bud’s gotta be the one who tells ‘em their furnace is shot. No fun. Once he hit sixty-five, Bud was outta there. When he started talking about retiring, I says …

Saturday, I’m on my way home from my weekly appointment with Patsy down to Hair Affair, when on a whim, I turn into the Agway parking lot. Don’t know why, because I’d planned on going straight home to clean the house. It just kind of happened. Generally, Charlie’s the one who shops at the Agway. Me, not so much. But there I was. So, I go inside thinking, Maybe I can find another hanging plant for the deck. Well, no sooner do I get in the door, when who do I see? Debbie Plourde. I hadn’t seen Debbie since Washington crossed the Delaware. She was a year behind me in school. Debbie left Mahoosuc Mills …

I was looking through old photos, and I found this one of me getting ready to celebrate my fourth birthday. Looks like quite a party, huh? There are little cartoon characters on the tablecloth and the ever popular pointy hats. And I’m dressed to the nines, of course. Some things never change. I still like dressing up, but I’ve become more of a tiara and boa kind a gal. And I like celebrating my birthday the entire month of May. One day’s just not enough! Besides, I gotta pace myself. Now me and my friends Celeste, Rita, Betty, Dot and Shirley (aka, the Women Who Run With the Moose) get together once a week for …

Here’s a story of misspent youth, courtesy of Charlie. Physics 101 We saw it all happen, my friend Bud and me From the booth where we sat at the ol’ Busy Bee Waiting we were, for the rest of the boys We heard, of a sudden, this terrible noise Almost as if we were hearing a fight This pickup pulled up to our one traffic light With rock music blarin’, speakers all blown And some jackass yellin’ he’s “bad to the bone” Bangin’ the beat on the side of his door Then hootin’ and hollerin’, yellin’ some more “Who is this clown?” says Bud with a frown The notorious Whitey Junior By that I mean …