After a certain age, your body changes. You and I know this to be true. The fat in your butt inches it’s way ‘round your stomach. That extra plumpness that was keeping your breasts perky has headed south for the duration, taking up permanent residence on your inner thighs. Your hair migrates from where you want it to someplace else, where you don’t. Then there’s the feet. Women, like me, tend to get bunions caused by shoes that are too tight, too narrow or too high. In short, they’re cute, but impractical. Hey, you have to suffer to be beautiful, right? Men get what Charlie and his friends call “old man feet.” I don’t even …
Remember last week, I was talking about cleaning our oven? Well, the thing I didn’t tell you, the thing that really got me on that was the night when I put the oven on to preheat and a little fire started inside. Wow, I thought, my mother and grandmother would be so disappointed in me. What a bad house keeper I am! So I tried to redeem myself by cleaning the oven. But then I started noticing little mouse droppings in a cupboard, behind the pepper grinder on the counter, near the sink. They were subtle. At first, I mistook them for a partially ground peppercorn, but eventually the penny dropped. I thought back to …
Spring is in the air; you can just smell it. Time for you know what: spring cleaning. Saturday, Charlie and me decided to get to it. While he made himself busy with a dump run and tidying up the yard, I took one look at our oven, and decided to start there. If you bake a lot of fruit pies like me, you know they tend to drip juice. Then there’s sweet potatoes which ooze sticky goop and yummy casseroles dishes that bubble over. Frankly, my oven was at the point where I’d preheat it to bake something, and it would start to cook off some of that crud at the bottom. Then a little …
I totally lost it over Easter! Wow, how can one person eat that many Cadbury Eggs? You know, them miniature ones with velvety cream filling or luxurious caramel? Because they’re small, I tried to fool myself into thinking they weren’t as bad as the big ones. I mean, you get all that exercise peeling off the foil wrappers, right? I think my big mistake was I bought some a week early and opened the package. Just one, I says to myself, you know, to make sure they’re not spoiled or nothing. Well, one led to another and another, and before I know it, I’ve polished off every single one of ‘em, and I did not …
The warmer weather brings all sorts of creatures out of their hidey holes. The chipmunks are making a ruckus in the yard and we have 100% occupancy in our bird houses––five in all. Down to the A&P, I’ve spotted many a young buck in his spring uniform of choice: shorts, t-shirt, flip flops and a polar fleece vest. His female counterpart is wearing flip flops, too, usually with skinny jeans, a t-shirt and a big scarf. A variation of this getup is to substitute UGG’s for the flip flops and short-shorts for the jeans. Apparently, these young folk subscribe to wardrobe averaging. Meaning summer clothes, plus one winter item equals a legitimate spring ensemble. For …
One day last week, I took Scamp out for his walk. It was a rainy morning, but I geared up and went anyways. Dogs are great that way. They get you out and about when you’d be tempted to sit around, drinking coffee in your bathrobe. It was only sprinkling, really, so we decided to do our usual half hour jaunt. But on the way back, the rain amped up and so did the wind, right into our faces. So, I’m walkin’ as fast as I can, really in a rhythm with it, when it happens: a song pops into my head. It’s “Laughter in the Rain” by Neil Sedaka. Ooh, I hear laughter in …
Wow! Compared to last winter, this one has been a breeze, hasn’t it? (Knock on wood.) Good thing, too. I don’t think Charlie’s back couldn’t have taken another February like the one we had in 2015. Because even with a plow on your truck, you still gotta snow blow the paths to the shed and the mailbox and for the oil and gas dilivery guys. Then, there’s shoveling off the deck and the steps and don’t forget, raking the roof. Swear to God, I think we still had piles of unmelted snow into April! But this winter, we’ve actually seen the grass between small dumpings of the white stuff. And some days, it’s felt like …
A few weeks ago, my Dad calls me up for a little advice. “Ida,” he says, “a friend of mine wants to sell his condo, and he’s on the third floor. Where does he bury St. Joseph if he doesn’t really have a yard?” “Gee, beats me. Let me do a little research, Dad, and I’ll get back to you.” “Thanks, honey.” You’ve heard of this, right? You want to sell your house, so you bury a statue of St. Joseph upside down in the yard. You do a novena every day for nine days, St. Joseph puts in a word with the Big Guy, and you sell you house lickety-split. We did this when …
Did you give up something for Lent? That used to be a big deal, didn’t it? I don’t think people do it so much, now. Seems the older I get, the harder it is to come up with something to abstain from during Lent. It’s not that I’m so pure. It’s that I’m so boring. All the food stuff I can think of, you know, candy, ice cream, bacon and booze, I shouldn’t be indulging in anyway (though I do). And things like snapping at my husband, cursin’ and being judgmental, well, I should be watching out for those all year long. And giving up sex? Well, that’s a little extreme, don’t you think? Look, …
Ida discusses her fascination with the TLC show, “Extreme Couponing.”
