They say if you don’t like the weather in Maine, just wait a minute. And ain’t that the truth! This week, we had that arctic blast for a couple of days, then our January thaw, which is good for the all the plants and wildlife. Us people, too. It actually got up to 40 plus degrees, if you can believe it, with flood warnings because of rain and melting snow. Then, back to the usual twenties and thirties. They call the super cold or strangely high temperatures “unseasonable,” but I say they’re just par for the course. Charlie and me walk Scamp every morning, and we always do the same thing. We get up, put …
The other day I says to Charlie, “We gotta put the grill in the shed for the winter.” Now, I have no intention of doing this myself. It’s the kind of chore Charlie usually does (after I remind him). We both know that by “we,” I mean “him.” It’s the same “we” that comes into play when I say, “Boy, that recycling’s sure piling up. About time we made a trip down to the transfer station.” Or, “We oughta sure up that bottom step on the deck, don’t you think? Maybe put up a new railing?” It’s the royal “we.” I got to thinking about it, asking myself if this is a two way street …
Charlie and me are at the age where we spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. We walk into a room and think, Now, what am I here after? (Tommy’s aunt told me that one, and boy, ain’t it the truth!) If you find yourself always losing things, routine is your friend. It’s simple. Choose a place where something is going to live, say your car keys, and always return the thing in question to it’s home base. That way, it’ll always be there when you need it. Easier said than done, right? Your cell phone rings as you’re wrestling grocery bags from the car into the house. You put everything on the …
Another summer holiday is here, and you know what that means, don’t you? Men down to Mikey’s Meat Market buying meat. I was in there on Saturday getting some pork chops for supper, and it was a friggin’ mad house. Now, you don’t get this for your winter holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, even Easter, I go into the meat market and it’s mostly exhausted women trying to do higher math. You know, if we’ve got 14 people coming for dinner, how big’s the turkey got to be? Or if the rump roast weighs such and such, how long should I cook it and at what temperature? Man, they don’t ask questions like that on the SAT’s! …
Today is our anniversary, and my sweetheart wrote me a love poem. It’s based on a something that actually happened a few years ago. Seriously, this is a true story The Tale of the Missing Wedding Ring Leave it to Ida to not miss a thing “Charlie,” she asked, “where is your ring?” Indeed it was missing, I didn’t know Where it had gone, or how long ago My ring had decided, for reasons unknown Perhaps it was time to go off on its own That ring, I think, had a valid excuse ‘Cause man, it had suffered years of abuse In the woods, in my shop, doin’ chores in the yard With gloves on …
Charlie and me went shopping for a new gas grill at Home Depot this weekend. The old one was plumb worn out, so it was time. I was on board with it. But let me tell you, I was not on board for two hours of comparison shopping, debating the merits of this one or that one, different “features” and questions, questions, questions, like it’s some kind of fancy sports car or something. Honest to God. And of course, there’s a whole bunch of other guys there doing the same thing. See grilling, for the most part, is a man’s territory. Don’t get me wrong, I use the gas grill. But when I do, it’s …
Bud’s the first of our little group to retire. Worked for Gagne’s & Sons Heating and Cooling for what? Thirty plus years, I guess. That’s dirty work, repairing furnaces and the like. Plus, you get called out at all hours, day and night. Weekends, too, don’t matter the weather. And unless you’re doing an annual cleaning, the people you’re dealing with are usually real upset. I mean, it’s ten degrees out, and no heat. They’re all bundled up, seeing their breath inside the house, and Bud’s gotta be the one who tells ‘em their furnace is shot. No fun. Once he hit sixty-five, Bud was outta there. When he started talking about retiring, I says …
Charlie come up with a doozy this week, an anthem of sorts. It’s part confession, part bragging, and not a word of it is true. Right! Think: semi-truck with a cracked muffler. I Snore I snore, I know Everyone has told me so I sputter, I snort Not a very glowing report I tried elevatin’ Our old box spring Squirt something up my nose But it doesn’t do a thing I snore, so what? I wish that I could keep my mouth shut But I can’t, I’ve tried Even though I sleep on my side I wake up all alone My wife got up at four She fled to the couch Couldn’t take it anymore …
What’s Duffer Brain? Well, I’ll tell you in this short video teaser for my performances of “I Married an Alien!“ this weekend at The Footlights Theatre in Falmouth, ME.
Here’s a little video teaser for my upcoming shows at The Footlight Theatre in Falmouth. I’ll be there doing I Married an Alien! March 30 & 31 at 7:30.
