The first frost of the season always takes me by surprise. I’m ready for work, right? Wouldn’t say I’m running late, but I’m not early either. I head out to the car and darn, frost on the windshield. ‘Course we haven’t put the scrappers and winter stuff in the vehicles yet. That would be too sensible. Charlie’s already left for work, and I don’t want to take time to hunt around in the shed for where he hid ‘em last spring. So, I fumble in my purse for my wallet, get out a credit card (usually Victoria’s Secret because I don’t use it that often) and proceed to scrape the window with it. I hope I’m not the only one!
Here’s Charlie’s sad tale.
Icy Windshield
Icy windshield, freezing rain
Here we go with that again
Crank defroster, crank the fan
This, today, was not my plan
Have I got a plastic scraper
Not too gnarly at the taper?
This one’s seen a war or two
Well, it’s gonna have to do
Brush is also looking shot
But it’s the only one I got
Winter’s come before I knew it
OK, scraper, let’s get to it
Scrape-a, scrape-a, ice a-flying
Scrape-a, scrape-a, trying, trying
Scrape-a, scrape-a, come on, man!
Scraper isn’t worth a damn
Scrape-a, oh, we’re having fun
Got the windows mostly done
Now the windshield, ah, I knew it:
Wiper’s gone and stuck right to it
Frozen solid, thanks a lot
Defroster, you did not do squat
I’ll scrape around the frozen mass
And pry the blade up from the glass
Come on, sucker, come unstuck
So I can head out in my truck
It should not cause any harm
To pull a little on the arm
Pop! How flimsy this is made!
Arm just popped off from the blade
Like it’s s’posed to, that I knew
But I don’t need something else to do!
Damn this thing! Damn the weather!
Cannot put it back together
Sure I’m miffed, sure I’m stewing,
Can’t see what the heck I’m doing!
Stop! You’re soaking wet, you know?
There’s nowhere that you have to go
Battle’s fought, and you’ve lost ‘er
Shut the fan, shut defroster
Great, I’m thinking, Ain’t it sweet?
Begin November with defeat
And as my windows start to ice
Florida sounds mighty nice…
“Charlie!” I hear Ida yell
“Coffee’s on, and you’d do well
to let it go. ‘Least you tried.
Why don’t you come back inside?”
I’ve done that wiper thing more than once because I’m a slow learner. I’ve also screwed up my wipers by trying to use them to clear the windshield of snow that’s too heavy ‘em.
And has this happened to you? You didn’t get all that heavy snow off your car roof. So, you stop for a light or to make a left hand turn, and a mass of snow slides onto your windshield. You can’t see anything, and you’re in the middle of traffic. You know you shouldn’t, but you put on the windshield wipers to clear it. I mean that’s their job right? Apparently not because one of the wipers (always the driver side) gives up the ghost and is now hanging off the car. Oh, did I mention it’s raining? What I call a thick rain, almost sleet but not quite. Them’s good times!
Learn from our mistakes and remember, folks, windshield wipers are delicate.
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Windshield Wipers Are Delicate
Three Live Shows
December 10-12, A Very Ida Christmas! at The Public Theatre in Lewiston, ME
Friday at 7:00, Saturday and Sunday at 2:00
Video-On-Demand December 16-26, 2021