Saw Franny Ward at the A&P the other day. Franny’s having the time of her life down to Mahoosuc Green, our senior living facility in town. She must have been squeezing in a little grocery shopping between all them classes in flower arranging and exotic pole dancing.
Franny is in her early eighties and is always dressed to the nines. This particular day she was sporting a fushia t-shirt with “Born to Sparkle” written in big, sparkly letters across the front. Wow! As if this wasn’t enough, the rest of the shirt had sparkles all over it, too, front and back.
Just then, one of our new summer cashiers, Destiny, sidles up to me and whispers, “Looks like Tinkerbelle just puked all over Franny’s shirt!” Didn’t she have a laugh over that witty remark. You’ve heard of “Debbie Downers,” right? Well, Destiny is what I’d call a “Snarky Sadie.” In fact, she should wear a t-shirt with that across the front, kind of like a public service announcement. “Attention, shoppers: now on register 4, Snarky Sadie!”
That got me thinking of other PSA shirt slogans I’d like to see. Something that would give a person fair warning about what they’re up against. For example, for those “friends” who make you feel exhausted after spending time with them, who never ask you about yourself. Or if they do, their attention wanders 
the minute you start to answer. You know what I’m talking about. Well, wouldn’t they look dandy wearing a shirt with “Energy Vampire” written across the front?
Or how about a t-shirt that says “Circuit Breaker?” Have you ever been with a group of folks and the conversation is going great. I mean, it’s really flowing until someone jumps in with a whole lot of nothing to say and everything comes to a screeching halt? Those people are what I call “circuit breakers.” Kind of like energy vampires, only they suck the life out of a group conversation.
Here’s a must have: “Yeah, but.” I’m thinking of Claudia and Kurt Peavey here. Whatever you say, they’ll “yeah, but” you, always poking holes in whatever your saying. In fact, even if you agree with them, they’ll change their tack and “yeah, but” you some more, just to be contrary.
As a cashier down to the A&P, I’d like to see shirts that gave me fair warning, like “Coupon Queen” or “Express Lane Abuser.” Fourteen items means fourteen items, people, not fourteen different kinds of items. We’ve all been behind these scofflaws. In their heads, they’re counting twelve Light N’ Lively yogurts as one item. So there’s the twelve yogurts, two half gallons of milk, six lean cuisine frozen dinners, four cans of cat food, three one-liter bottles of diet root beer and nine other items which somehow adds up to fourteen. Nope, next register, buddy.
Then, I segued into thinking about all the characters we have in Mahoosuc Mills, and what kind of personalized t-shirt would suit them. For Archie Johnson: Road Kill Gourmet. (Just the lettering. No need for a picture.) Or for June Hebert, how about a drawing of her looking off into the heavens, all spiritual-like, a halo of rollers in her hair, with the words “Our Lady of the Perpetual Yard Sale.” Oh, and for Bucky Dumont: “Solvin’ the Problems of the World, One Beer at a Time.” Heck, I bet he could sell those.
What would I have on my t-shirt? Hmmm. How about “B-Positive.” That’s my blood type and, well, my attitude most of the time!
When Franny was done shopping, she come to my register to check out. “Franny,” I says, “your shirt does not lie.”
“Huh?” she asks.
“Your shirt. You were born to sparkle, dear.”
“Oh, you like it?”
“I love it!”
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Born to Sparkle