After a certain age, your body changes. You and I know this to be true. The fat in your butt inches it’s way ‘round your stomach. That extra plumpness that was keeping your breast perky has headed south for the duration, taking up permanent residence on your inner thighs. Your hair migrates from where you want it to someplace else, where you don’t.
Then there’s the feet. Women, like me, tend to get bunions caused by shoes that are too tight, too narrow or too high. In short, they’re cute, but impractical. Hey, you have to suffer to be beautiful, right?
Men get what Charlie and his friends call “old man feet.” I don’t even have to describe it, right? You know what I’m talkin’ about. I don’t know what causes those thick, yellow toe nails. Probably, like with women, a lifetime of abusing your feet. Not necessarily with shoes that don’t fit right, but the same not listening to your body is involved. Stubbed toes, outdoor activities like hiking down a mountain, that involve your foot hitting up against the toe of your boot, dropping tools on your feet. Charlie wrote the book on that!
Let’s just say, he’s at the point where he needs special tools for trimming his toenails, like maybe a chainsaw and safety goggles. It’s gotten to be so troubling, he even wrote a poem about it.
The Moment of Truth
“Why you limpin’?” Tommy asked me
“I ain’t limpin’, I replied
“Sure you are, you can’t deny it.”
“Guess my hip is out,” I lied
Bud and Junior, they both noticed
Pat and Smitty noticed, too
“Charlie, if your hip is out,
Why you taking off your shoe?”
“Maybe there’s a stone in there,
I better take it off and see.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say
My toenails are what’s killing me
Oh, I’ve tried to trim them, but
It hasn’t been a lot of fun
The task of bending that far over’s
Simply easier said than done
It wouldn’t be an issue, if
My back were just a little stronger
And wasn’t always feelin’ stiff
Shame, they don’t make clippers longer
Sure, I’ve thought of asking Ida
Would she kindly do the deed
But such exposure to my feet
Is something that she doesn’t need
The moment’s come, the one of truth
That separates you from your youth
The moment’s come, the one I’ve dreaded
Podiatrist is where I’m headed
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Don’t Forget Your Safety Goggles