So, I’m at Mikey’s Meat Market on Thursday after work. I buy the basic stuff down to the A&P, of course, but when it comes to meat, I go to Mikey’s. It’s a good old fashioned meat market with red-faced butchers out back cutting meat, and guys (yup, only guys) behind the counter. These fellas really know their stuff, including how long to cook just about anything you’re buying.
So anyways, I’m waiting in line. There was a pause in the action and no customers are in there except for me and
Mildred Campbell. We’re standing side by side, both staring into the meat case. I’m considering how many pork chops I should buy, and maybe I’ll get a porterhouse steak while I’m here, when Mildred farts. I mean, she just lets her rip, a two-part fart, loud, long and uninhibited. It was an epic fart, the kind you usually reserve for when you’re all by your lonesome.
All I can think is that Mildred forgot where she was. That she was so deep into thinking about what she was going to make for supper, she forgot she was standing in line at Mikey’s Meat Market.
But the sound of her fart must have startled Mildred, and brought her back to reality. She turns and looks at me in horror, her hands up to her face, and goes, “Oh, Ida! I’m so sorry. That one just got away from me!”
“It’s OK, Millie. Happens to the best of us. I’m just thinking that meat must be looking pretty good to get you that worked up.”
“Getting old’s no picnic, Ida.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
And that’s it. Fireworks over, we both go back to staring at the meat case. Except every once in a while when I start thinking about what happened, and I feel the laughter start to build inside me and have to turn my head
away from Millie. Why is a fart funny? I don’t know, it just is. Plus, there was the expression on Millie’s face when she’d realized what she’d done.
Finally, it’s my turn. I order my pork chops and porterhouse, and make a break for the door. Millie’s still in there, placing her order.
The minute I get outside, I just explode into laughter. I mean, uncontrollable giggling. Marcel Bartley’s getting out of his truck, and he starts laughing, too, and he has no idea what’s so funny. That’s the kind of contagious laughing fit I had. I’m still laughing when I get in my car, and it continues, off and on, all the way home. Listen, it took me three tries to tell the story to Charlie, because I’d get laughing so hard, I couldn’t get the words out.
Thinking back, the strangest part of this story is that not one of them fellas at Mikey’s Meat Market acknowledged the incident. I mean, they had to have heard it. Mildred really let her rip. It was like we were in a movie or something. Everything’s going on as usual, except for Mildred and me, out of time, sharing this private moment that one else can see or hear.
You know, it’s been a few days now, but every time I think of the expression on Mildred’s face, I just about spit a gut.
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Incident at Mikey’s Meat Market