We celebrated Betty’s birthday last weekend with a party over to her house. The whole gang was there. Beautiful day for a cookout, too, and hangin’ out by the pool. So Monday afternoon, Betty gives me a ring.
“Oh good, Ida, you’re there.”
“Far as I can tell,” I says. “What’s up?”
“You wouldn’t believe what just happened.”
“Try me.”
“Well, this morning I had to call the plumber ‘cause our half bath downstairs was, well, havin’ issues.”
“I noticed somethin’ was funky with that toilet, on Saturday. It’s always like that when you have company, isn’t it? If it isn’t the toilet, it’s the garbage disposal backin’ up or the dishwasher starts actin’ wonky, or something.”
“Don’t you just know it! Anyways, Pat’s talented in alot of areas, but plumbing isn’t one of ‘em. So I called Chuck Daigle.”
“Oh, he’s a good. Nice guy, too.”
“Isn’t he? And kind of cute. So, he had a cancelation, and could fit me in this morning.”
“Lucky you!”
“Yeah, huh? So, Pat and me figure it might be time to replace the toilet. It’s been actin’ finicky for awhile, now. So Chuck’s takin’ a look at it while I’m tidying up from the party. He comes into the kitchen, what, five minutes later? No more than that.
“’What’s the verdict?’ I ask.
“’Well,’ he says, ‘the good news is, you don’t need a new toilet. The bad news is, you’re gonna have to buy yourself a new pair of glasses.’”
I jump in, “No! They weren’t!”
“Yes, they were!”
“Had you known they were missing?”
“Yes, that’s the thing. Me and Pat must’ve spent half of Sunday lookin’ for ‘em. Tore the house friggin’ upside down! I mean, crawlin’ around on the floor to look under the couch, tossin’ pillows around, under the bed. Even checked the vegetable bin, ‘cause, you know, menopause. We could not find ‘em!”
“Were they in your pocket when you used the john? You know, kind of slipped out?”
“Well, that’s what I thought at first, but then Chuck showed me what else he found down there: a couple of pink plastic barrettes and a My Pretty Pony miniature hair brush, also pink.”
“I’m guessin’ those aren’t Pat’s.”
“Nope, I believe it’s the work of that criminal mastermind, Pearl.”
“The cutest grandkid in the world?”
“Bingo, one in the same. Friday’s our day together. She wants to be a big girl now, and close the bathroom door. Fine, but I notice she keeps flushin’ the toilet. That’s a good thing, I’m thinkin’. I mean, maybe we’re in a new phase and I don’t have to go in and look at and congratulate her for every poop.”
“That would be nice,” I says. “So, she’s learnin’ about how to use the toilet.”
“Right, and how to make things disappear.”
“And what’d her little magic trick run you?”
“75 bucks! Wait ‘til I tell Pat.”
“Plus the new glasses.”
“Oh, ya. Plus a new pair of prescription readin’ glasses. Happy birthday to me!”
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Plumbin’ Magician
Coming up this fall:
September 14: Ida’s Book Club, featuring authors Patricia Lynch and Jacquelyn Benson, time TBA, WEST, Portsmouth, NH
October 3: Finding Your Inner Moose Book Reading, 1:00pm, Soldiers Memorial Library, Hiram, ME
October 10 & 11: The View From He’ah On Stage, ACT ONE’s Beyond Festival, Saturday at 8:00pm and Sunday at 2:00pm, WEST, Portsmouth, NH
October 19: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You, 7:00, to benefit the Friends of the Bridgeton Public Library, Magic Lantern, Bridgeton, ME
October 22: Finding Your Inner Moose Book Reading, 6:00pm, sponsored by Simpson Memorial Library, Golden Harvest Grange, Carmel, ME
November 7, 14 & 21: I Married an Alien, 7:30pm, Camp Calumet Women’s Retreat Weekend, West Ossipee, NH