October, my season of terror. Days are getting shorter, leaves piling up in the yard, frost on the pumpkin. But that’s not the problem. What’s plaguing me is what plagues me every October: the advent of them miniature candy bars. Snickers, Milky Ways, Butterfingers, they’re like crack cocaine to me. ‘Cause candy is love, baby, and I want me some love!
Ida, I say to myself, don’t buy them until Halloween Day. And I start out strong, I really do. But then, oh-oh, there’s a bowl of candy corn at book group, or a bunch of small boxes on the counter at the dry cleaners. Or I’m at a birthday party where they’re serving chocolate cupcakes with orange frosting decorated with candy corn. I carefully take the candies off, because I don’t really like candy corn to begin with, and put them on the side of the plate, meaning to throw them away after I slowly savor my cupcake. And yum, that cupcake is good. I feel satisfied, content. Then, I hear the candy corn calling to me in three part harmony: white, orange, yellow! What about us?
I know I shouldn’t, but I eat some and it begins. See, many people don’t know this, but candy corn is what’s known as a gateway drug. Like Peeps at Easter (another candy I don’t really love), candy corn is fat free. What’s the harm, right? Plus, they only come out once a year, so carpe candy-corn-um!
Next thing I know, I’m standing in aisle 8 at the A&P, ogling the Halloween cornucopia. I’m thinking, maybe I’ll get some miniature Tootsie Rolls and a bag of those small boxes of Good & Plenty’s. Those aren’t too bad. “Just sugar and water,” as my grandmother used to say. I do pretty good, too, managing my intake until I realize that a box of those Good & Plenty’s with a six mini-Tootsie Roll chaser doesn’t cut it. I start pounding down the Tootsie Rolls by the fist full, wrappers flying and empty boxes of Good & Plenty piling up like Lego’s.
Then one morning, I wake up with a sugar headache to beat the band. It’s time to move on to the hard stuff. I buy some miniature Snickers, Milky Way and Butterfingers, and put them in the big bowl in our employee break room down to the A&P. If I share it’s not so bad, right?
Let me tell you, that first bite of Milky Way, the creamy milk chocolate, the gooey caramel and that mushy, who-knows-what-the-hell-it-is filling, tastes like heaven. Ahhh. Add the salty crunch of a peanut and it’s a Snickers Bar. Mmmm. And the Butterfinger? Perfection!
Then my friends, it’s all down hill from there. I buy bags of the stuff, freezing them, so I won’t eat them. “Saving them for the kids.” Which is a total lie, because they taste even better frozen! Eventually, I start rotating stores to buy my stash, alternating between Rite Aid and the A&P, and eventually driving out to Dover-Foxcroft to plunder their Rite Aid. I take to hiding the wrappers in the trash bag in my car and in my purse, stopping at public trash cans to dispose of my dirty little secret.
And then, finally, it’s Halloween. Which I love. I mean, what’s not to love when these little vampires and princesses come to your door? I’ll tell you what’s not to love: watching them run off with all your candy! Sure I act all nicey-nice, but there’s a little monster inside of me going, No! You keep little mitts off of my candy! It’s mine!
Seriously, though, by that point, I’m done. Candied out. Ready to detox. Take ‘em kids! Banish them from my sight!
Don’t let this happen to you, folks. Do not even think of buying, let alone eating candy corn. Take it from one who knows, one who apparently must re-learn this lesson every October. I’ll tell you what, candy corn should be illegal in Maine!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
IDA’S PODCAST: Season of Terror
Coming Up This Week
October 17: Book Reading, Alfred F. Totman Public Library, http://www.totman.lib.me.us/ 6:30pm, Phippsburg, ME
Upcoming Performances and Book Events
November 4, 11, 18: Makin’ Whoopie!, Calumet Women’s Weekends, http://www.calumet.org/womensweekends 7:30pm, West Ossippe, NH
Check out my full schedule here: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule/