In my book, The Sweet Life, I have a whole chapter devoted to sex. Hey, it’s a book about love and marriage, so it had to be done. Doesn’t quite have the same pizzazz as when we were younger, but it’s not half bad. I’m no Dr. Ruth (I’m short, but not that short), but bottom line: I’m a firm believer in doing whatever you need to do in order to do it. I’ll spare you the details. Oh, and fantasize all you want about whoever you want, but just don’t act on it. My friend Rita learned this the hard way.
Rita works down to Smitty’s Hardware, which is owned by her husband, Smitty. It’s not easy working with your husband like that, but they’ve managed it for forty years. I think it’s because she works out front, and he’s mostly out back or doing deliveries.
Now, I’m pretty good with numbers, so along with my job cashiering down to the A&P, I moonlight doing books for the Mahoosuc Mills Mainely Maine store and Smitty’s. So I’m always in and out of the hardware store.
A few years back, I noticed that Rita wasn’t quite herself at work. She seemed pretty good when we was hanging out with the Women Who Run With the Moose, but at the store, she was a little distracted. And she started making mistakes on the register (lots of void slips in the cash drawer) and misplacing stuff.
One day, I happened to catch her alone in the break room. “Rita, what’s up? You don’t seem quite yourself and I’m worried about you.”
She looks around, real guilty, and says, “I can’t talk about it here, Ida, but I gotta tell someone. Meet me at the Busy Bee tomorrow morning at eight.”
Well, that peaked my interest. So the next morning, there I am at the Busy Bee, eight sharp. In comes Rita, dressed cute as ever, but looking a little tired. We each order a bottomless cup of coffee and one of Babe’s homemade cinnamon rolls with maple icing with a side of bacon because everything is better with bacon.
We make small talk ‘til our food arrives. You know, it’s hard to have a big conversation on an empty stomach. Once we tuck into breakfast, I give Rita a nudge, “Okay, Rita. Something is going on. Spill it!”
“Oh, Ida, I don’t really know how to say it.”
“Try.”
“I’m having an affair.”
“Oh, my, God, Rita! With who?”
“Ian.”
“Ian who?”
“Ian, the UPS guy.”
“You’re sleeping with the UPS guy?”
“Yes! Not in real life, of course. I mean, where would I find the time, but I might as well be. I daydream about him all the time.”
“Oh, thank goodness! You had me worried for a minute there, Rita. That’s not an affair. That’s a fantasy.”
“Technically, yes, but it’s taking over. I’m so distracted at work, waiting for him to arrive. Then, I’m all hyper after he leaves. Ian’s just so darned cute and polite, and so strong lifting all those boxes.”
“I hear you. When I got addicted to the home shopping network a few years back, I gotta say, my heart started to go pitter pat at the very sight of our UPS guy. His name was Johnny. I still remember. I couldn’t wait to see the size of the package he was delivering. Which sounds kinda dirty, but you know what I mean.”
“I knew things were bad when I bought Smitty a brown shirt and some brown pants, and suggested he wear ’em together. I figured if I squinted, he might look like Ian.”
“Oh, that is bad. What are you gonna do?”
“Nothing. I’m hoping Ian gets transferred or something.”
“These things usually pass. You can move it along, though, by finding a replacement fantasy. But for God’s sake, make it someone on TV or in a movie or something, not someone you see in real life. It’s just too complicated. In the meantime, I have a couple of Gothic romances in my car. They might do the trick.”
A while later, I realized things at Smitty’s had settled down, and Rita seemed like her old self again. I pulled her aside, “How’s Ian?”
“Ian who?” she says, smiling.
“What happened? Did you find a replacement?”
“Not yet. But see, one day last week, Ian come in per usual, and I’m all a flutter. He makes his delivery. Once he’s back in his truck, I wander over to the window, real casual, for a parting look, and there he is in the truck, talking on his cell phone and picking his nose. I mean, really going at it. Well, that popped the bubble right quick.”
“They call it a fantasy for a reason. No boogers or farting allowed!”
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Special Delivery
Upcoming Shows and Book Events: Spring/Summer
July 8: Books in Boothbay: Maine’s Summer Book Fair, Boothbay Railway Village, 9:00am to 1:00pm, Boothbay, ME
July 15: The Best of Ida, Fundraiser for the Moose River Valley Historical Society, https://www.sites.google.com/site/jackmanmooserivermuseum/
7:00pm, Jackman, ME
July 18: Book Reading: The Sweet Life, Rangeley Public Library, http://rangeleylibrary.org/ 6:00pm, Rangeley, ME
August 5: Ida’s Havin’ a Yard Sale!, Deertrees Theatre, http://www.deertrees-theatre.org/ 7:30pm, Harrison, ME