Few weeks back, Charlie’s out mowin’ the lawn. I’m putterin’ around the kitchen, you know, cleaning the stove top, excavatin’ the vegetable bin, when I happen to look out the window and see Charlie doin’ the two-step around the yard. Weird, I thought, but gee, he can move pretty fast for an old duffer. Later, I see him bending down, lookin’ under our big viburnum, the one by the bird house my niece Caitlin give us.
When he comes in, I ask, “Charlie, what the heck were you doin’ out there?”
“Mowing the lawn. What did it look like I was doin’?”
“Gettin’ ready to audition for “So You Think You Can Dance?”
“Very funny. Got stung by another bee.”
“Again? Why don’t you give that area a wide berth.”
“I tried not to get too close. I think they’re yellow jackets, but I can’t find the hole.”
The next week, Charlie got stung somethin’ bad. I mean, his ankle got all swelled up. Wouldn’t take nothin’ for it, of course, even though I did research on the internet.
“Itches like hell,” he says, scratchin’ his leg.
“It says here calamine lotion’ll work.”
“Ah, too much bother. I’ll just tough it out.”
I could see the difference in Charlie’s face, though. What had stated as a mere annoyance had escalated. This was war.
“You find the nest, yet?” I ask him at dinner.
“Yup. I’d been lookin’ on the ground, but turns out it weren’t yellow jackets at all. There’s a hornet’s nest in them branches. Can’t believe I missed it. Time for chemicals.”
“Oh, don’t bother, Charlie. It’s September. They’ll be dead soon.”
“Not soon enough! I still got a good month of wowin’ ahead.”
The next morning, I’m sittin’ there enjoyin’ my coffee when clomp, clomp, clomp! Charlie barges into the kitchen all dressed for winter: snowmobile suit, boots, hat, goggles and a bandana covering his nose and mouth. Uh-oh!
“Looks like you’re ready for the apocalypse.”
“Outta my way!” he says. “I’m gonna nuke them buggers this morning, ‘fore it gets too hot.”
“Try not to scare the neighbors. I’ll have breakfast waitin’ for you when you’re done. Scrambled eggs and sausage okay?”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay. Carry on.”
“Charge!” And off goes Nanook of the North to do battle with the hornets. I just prayed he had a full can of bee killer. Geesh, can you imagine getting’ all them buggers riled up only to run out of spray?
And, of course, he wrote a poem about it. That Charlie!
Stung By a Bee, by Charlie LeClair
Out with the mower, goin’ for a spin
Got my ball cap on, earplugs in
This hot, dry summer is almost gone
Got just enough gas for mowin’ this lawn
I’m goin’ round bushes and the big pine tree
Gonna make it look pretty for Ida and me
When all of a sudden, under my knee
Ooch! Ow! Stung by a bee
I’m always getting’ stung this time of year!
So I mow my lawn with a little bit of fear
But then I get goin’ and forget about bees
Caught up in the mowin’, ah, what a breeze
Hummin’ Hank Williams, ain’t nothin’ buggin’ me
Ooch! Ow! Stung by a bee
I’m studyin’ the grass, lookin’ all around
For yellowjacket holes, they’re underground
And waitin’ for a sucker wearin’ shorts like me
To get too close, then attack with glee
Abandon mower! Run! Flee!
Ooch! Ow! Stung by a bee
They’re under that bush, don’t see the hole
But it’s time for this duffer to take control!
There, on a branch, look at that hive
A fortress of hornets, man alive!
It’s time for chemicals, I mean sprayin’
All of you bees had better start prayin’
Come the dawn, I’ll surprise ya
One good blast’ll pulverize ya
Then, maybe I can get back to mowin’
But I’ll finish up the mowin’ season just knowin’
This hard fought victory’s paper thin
It’s the kind of battle you never really win
Next summer those buggers’ll be back for me
Ooch! Ow! Stung by a bee
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Stung By a Bee
Tonight: Monday, September 14: Ida’s Book Club, featuring authors Patricia Lynch and Jacquelyn Benson, 7:00 p.m., WEST, Portsmouth, NH
Coming up this fall:
October 3: Finding Your Inner Moose Book Reading, 1:00 p.m., Soldiers Memorial Library, Hiram, ME
October 10 & 11: The View From He’ah Variety Show, ACT ONE’s Beyond Festival, Saturday at 8:00 p.m. and Sunday at 2:00 p.m., WEST, Portsmouth, NH
October 19: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You, 7:00 p.m., to benefit the Friends of the Bridgeton Public Library, Magic Lantern, Bridgton, ME
October 22: Finding Your Inner Moose Book Reading, 6:00 p.m., sponsored by Simpson Memorial Library, Golden Harvest Grange, Carmel, ME
November 7, 14 & 21: I Married an Alien, 7:30 p.m., Camp Calumet Women’s Retreat Weekend, West Ossipee, NH