An incident happened this weekend I’m not proud of. In fact, I’m a little embarrassed to share it with you. But hey, it’s just us, right?
So, picture this: it’s late Sunday morning. Charlie’s snoring in his Barcalounger. Scamp’s 
with me in the kitchen, dozing on his doggie bed. I’m puttering around, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, I feel one coming on. You know what I mean. Nobody except the dog is near, so I just let ‘er rip: long, loud and unapologetic. A real twenty-one gun salute.
“What’s that?” Charlie yelps, nearly falling out of his chair.
“Don’t know,” I yell. “Must be a car backfiring.” Could have been my imagination, but Scamp seemed to give me a knowing look.
See, I don’t mind farting in front of my husband. Part of being married is being privy to such bodily functions. It just comes with the territory. But I’d prefer to keep my shared farts, well, lady-like. You know, I little poot here, a toot there. I try to reserve the more manly, peel the paint off the walls variety for my alone time. Or the silent, but deadly’s: they’re the worst.
Charlie wanders into the kitchen and stops short. “Geez, Louise! Did something die in here?”
“Scamp, did you fart?” I ask. Scamp looks guilty even when he’s done nothing, so he’s an easy target. I figure I’ll give him an extra treat later
Charlie leans over the dog, “That wasn’t you, was it, little buddy?”
“Yeah, must have been that rawhide bone I give him last night.”
“You have trouble digesting your bone, boy?”
Scamp wags his tail, looking back and forth between us. “Bone? Did someone say bone?”
“I could use a little something myself,” says Charlie, pointing at the cupboard, then rooting around for a snack.
“What you looking for?” I ask.
“Mixed nuts. Are we all out?”
“Let me look.”
And that’s when I walk into it, an invisible toxic cloud so pungent it practically decks me. The very definition of an S.B.D.
“Charlie!” I gag. “How could you?”
“Weren’t me, Ida. It must’ve been Scamp.”
“Oh, don’t try and slough it off on the dog! Here’s your mixed nuts.”
“Thank you, sweetheart,” he says smiling and back he goes into the den.
“Honest to God!” I look over at Scamp. His tail’s still wagging. “I suppose you want a treat because you’re such a good boy. Yes, you are. You’re a good boy.”
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Hear Ida Tell It: Taste of My Own Medicine
2020
February 29: Makin’ Whoopie!, Franklin Opera House, 7:30pm, Franklin, NH
May 1 & 2: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You!, The Footlights Theatre, 7:30pm, Falmouth, ME
May 13: Book Reading, Windham Public Library, 6:00pm, Windham, ME
May 14, Book Reading, Wiggin Memorial Library, 6:00pm, Stratham, NH
Watch Susan’s TEDxPortsmouth Talk