Every house project takes at least two, three, four times longer than you think it’s going to. That box that says “all parts included” is lying. You dive into repairing that little bit of rot outside the front door and discover it’s the tip of the iceberg. And don’t even get me going on window treatments and paint chips!
Experience has taught me that if Charlie’s going to be attempting one of these little chores, it’s best if I’m out of the house. So Saturday, when Charlie announced he was going to install our new bathroom blind, I called up my sister, Irene, and we went down to the Busy Bee for breakfast, then on a craft fair down to the Community Center for some retail therapy
I had a great day. Charlie, not so much. I’ll let him tell you about it.
Fifteen Minutes, Start To Finish
Our bathroom blind was shot, I mean
As busted as could be
We found one new at Lowe’s but
Installation’s up to me
With their bible of instructions, tell me
How could I go wrong?
Crammed between the wall and toilet
Hope it don’t take too long
“Fifteen minutes, start to finish”
Says it on the box right here
‘Course, it would’ve helped if these instructions
Could’ve been a bit more clear
Here they tell you all the tools you’ll need
Screwdriver, tape and drill
But if you think you won’t need more
I can guarantee you will
So, bring your whole damn toolbox, man
“Cause something’s gonna go wrong
Like it did with me when I stripped that screw
Right when I was goin’ strong
“Fifteen minutes, start to finish”
Says it on the box right here
It was ‘bout eleven when I begun, it’s
2:30 now, and I’m still not done
Now they’re wanting you to trim it to size
That’ll be easy as pie
But what if you got big hands like these
And you’re not a very patient guy? Well,
You bumble ‘long as best you can
And hope you’re gettin’ it right
‘Cause one false move, you’re up the creek
Without a paddle, you’ve lost the battle
“Fifteen minutes, start to finish”
Says it on the box right here
My hope of getting it right’s diminished
Hope it ain’t night before I’m finished
Don’t you just love these finicky chores
When all you wanna be’s outdoors?
Even if Popeye’d eaten his spinach
He couldn’t do it in fifteen minutes
Poor, Charlie was feeling pretty low by the time I got home. The two chocolate chip cookies I bought him at craft fair bake sale helped raise his spirits a little. But still, it’s demoralizing.
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
IDA’S PODCAST: The Joy of House Projects
Coming Up This Week
March 27: A Visit With Ida, South Berwick Public Library 7:00pm, South Berwick, ME
March 29: A Visit With Ida, Gardiner Adult Education, 6:00pm, Gardiner, ME
March 30 & 31: I Married an Alien!, The Footlights Theatre, 7:30pm, Falmouth, ME
Upcoming Performances
April 10: Book Reading, Goodall Memorial Library, 6:30pm, Sanford, ME
May 26: The Best of Ida, The Castle on the Charles, 7:30pm (doors open at 6:00, drinks and light menu), Rochester, NH
Check out my full schedule here.